All of what you are about to read is a serious of non fictitious events in my life for the past several months. Everything you are about to read is all truth. Absolutely nothing is made up, even as crazy as some of it may sound. I am not getting super detailed because this is a blog, but later down the line in my future writings I will be more descriptive. I sit here and type with my emotions running rampant throughout my soul. You should never suppress your emotions. Using your emotions can lead you to greatness and much success. After all, my emotions through my past life experiences have given me enough courage to come to California and pursue all that I know I will be. If your new at reading my blog take a read on my “About Me” page to get a quick feel for my past and what I have been through. My emotions have helped me get on stage accomplishing Ms Universe and they have given me the courage to help so many people in my path already. If I didn’t turn all what my heart feels into a tool I would still be sitting at a stagnant life not pursuing my passions. So I keep on my course following my hearts desires.
These past few months have been a complete roller coaster ride. I traveled to LA not knowing a single person in the area and had no assistance from my family. I was drawn here to bring my motivation, guidance and love. So I worked extremely hard for months, saved money on my own, packed up and said goodbye to my Florida friends whom I miss very much. By choice, I drove across country alone, taking in my soul all the thoughts my heart needed to feel . There was so much on my mind, so much more inside my heart and this drive alone was what I needed. I know I needed to step up my life. I needed to do more than just create my dreams, I needed to WIN them. But this was going to be a lot harder than I thought. I was so happy to finally arrive in Cali after my long 3,000 mile drive, but the the first place I lived was not so happy. Now remember I came alone and did not know a soul. I was totally out of my comfort zone and then to make it worse the guy I rented from and lived with turned out to be a total wacko. He seemed legit on face time , was super clean with a nice house, but trust me he was just after my money and other things. This piece of freak work was harassing me sexually and verbally non stop. He made me want to vomit. This definitely posed a huge problem. I quickly needed to get the hell away from this guy.. I told him to piss off and I broke my lease. I told him dare try and do something and I will reverse sue you for all the crazy things he put me through. I had to find a place to live and fast . The most difficult part in my search was finding a place to live with a big dog . But I managed to find a place with some really nice people. On a positive note, I was meeting some really nice people, passing around my loving vibes, teaching people about health, making them smile and touching their hearts . It was also nice to start exploring California. I felt free, venturing around and learning my way. While I was working my butt off I was continuing to meet some more good people. I managed to get some work doing a fitness commercial. It was my first one and was a super great experience. I loved being onset and behind the camera. I had the sound engineers playing my very favorite Nicki Minaj.. LOL . I made everyone on the set laugh, smile and even dance. I also did a little modeling work here. I plan on continuing more fitness modeling, in which my training involves a lot of hard work, but I am dedicated.
Ok, here we go with hitting another emotional event that I cried heavy about. I was detained by the police. YIKES! The day before Christmas Eve of all times. Merry Christmas to me! Some of the LA cops are just plain mean and ridiculous. Can you believe these guys had the audacity to ask me health and fitness advise while they were taking my finger prints . I have your advise “Put down the donuts!!” lol . I had to battle them in court many times for several months. Never let someone trample on you . The outcome turned out a little better after I continued my fight in court . I am not thrilled about this and I am opening up to you all so you see this journey has not been so easy. But I press on with a smile and stay strong. Then I had quite a learning experience doing reality Television, but I was not that impressed. I have been asked to do a some more reality TV and I have turned down a lot of things because it just did not suit me for who I was. I also did some auditions for other work, but nothing panned out like I was hoping. I tried auditioning for a female Heroine role on a show and lets just say have you guys ever seen 8 mile when Eminem choked on stage ? lol The audition was in front of a panel of people and because I got nervous I just plain Fu7ked up my lines. I know if I just get the part I could rock it . At least I tried. Many people hit road blocks and failed many times before they became successful. I have learned from those experiences and they will not take away my courage to try again. So I am going to work on my on screen skills for sure. I think I would do better on a reality show rather than a script actor because I am not a fake person. In the mix of all the crazy things happening I still make it a point once a week to go do some volunteer work at a childrens facility or an animal place. My heart always wants to help and I know those groups need it the most. I am gathering up clients as well as really working hard to try and help people with their health and fitness goals which includes their self esteem issues, self confidence, depression, weight loss, stress reduction, and any addictions they may have. I have successfully transformed many clients on the West Coast so far. I am feeling super good helping these clients and it means the world to me to become even their friend and touch their lives. I was asked to be in another fitness commercial and again it was great. I had the PA (producers assistant ) get everyone cookies on set. LOL . I was very happy to be a part of that and have that experience.
So everything’s going on track for a minute, well at least I thought. But then my dog gets extremely sick. She was getting up there in age so her illness was not a huge shock. I was faced with saying goodbye to my best friend (my dog) and it was so hard. Then, simultaneously when I lost her, I lost some work and I think I had fallen for a guy. Yup I just said that . LOL. I was with someone.. So things were happening all so fast .. Lost in the city of Angels I found comfort in someone. I felt like this guy and I found each other for reasons we both needed. Could he have been an angel? This guy seemed spiritual such as me. Seemed our dreams were similar. I thought his heart was pure like mine. I thought our hearts aligned as I felt a connection with him. My heart is like a rare and priceless work or art and I kept it guarded for so long. This may sound stupid to many of you, but I barely date, it is super uncomfortable for me. I do not “hook up” with guys either. So this guy, that I clicked with was a bit younger than me. Due to our age difference I never thought we would be anything more than friends, nor did I pursue it. I never had intended for the fall…. But it happened. He was like sunshine, it seemed as though he turned some of my darkness into light. I wanted him to look , but not touch me especially the way he touched me . I worked with him at one of my jobs. I spent quite a bit of time with him and we became good friends. I got pretty comfortable around him. When you start to know someone you focus on their energy, all their small details, their scent and their essence. You love who they are on the inside not on the out. He made my heart smile. As more time spent together, no matter what we did, from working out, hiking, to whale watching, to flying a kite, or just laying around watching a movie I was happy to be with him. He was encouraging, supportive, and wanted to make me feel good. I loved that he would eat vegetarian around me and cook me veggie meals:) I appreciated everything he did for me. He started to help me make fitness videos. I noticed every last thing he did for me. Even if it was giving me a surprise valentine on my car or a book to help me with my future business, it all went noticed. I could tell him some of my dreams and I know he was listening with an open heart. I enjoyed spending time with him and appreciated the smallest things from his singing to me even down to just his smile or his goofy expressions. I really wanted to guide him spiritually, give him support and give him the confidence to believe in himself that he needed. I thought he had a wonderful heart which is an extremely rare quality to find in a guy. His mom is super sweet and I suppose he got some of her heart. I loved the fact that he seemed willing to help people, which was a super turn on because that is just like myself. I tried to encourage him with his talents as he loved to write. I told him some close secrets that I wouldn’t tell many people. I thought I found someone here that I could trust and believe in. I really cared for him with all my heart and he became super important to me. He knew I had a hard time opening up because of the hurts of my past, but he kept on trying which was super cute to me. I pushed him away a few times for a few reasons mainly because of some things he had done, but I do not think he realized how much they affected me. But he did not give up when I pushed him away which actually made me feel good. I felt like he must really care if he is not giving up on me so easily. I kept my guard up for a while, but still enjoyed him very much. He told me he loved me, but I did not say it for so many reasons. I finally told him how I felt, I gave him my heart. I knew I was taking a chance , but I decided to show him how much I appreciated how he was involved in my life. There was no safety net. I fell and I got scarred again. NOW I am not sure what happened next. But this Love took a turn. He would accuse me of being with other guys , but in fact I would tell him I wanted to see him only. He didn’t believe me . Was he really insecure that other men talked to me or he really just wanted his space to be with other woman? Whatever it was I wish he were honest and would have communicated to me about whatever was in his heart. What hurts the most is that he never truly knew me. I am a super loyal woman and if I chose to be with you I will never be with anyone else. I do not believe in cheating or being with multiple people. I have so much self resoect and I know my self worth I will NOT just give myself to anyone! Here is a crazy fact for all you guys, it was 1 year and ten months I was single and not with anyone intimately . Yup I just said that. I was like a reborn again virgin. lol. He was the only guy in almost 2 years that I have been with. I am openly admitting that to the world and I am not embarrassed, but proud. You see sex is very easy, but I was looking for so much more like Depth, great friendship, that connection, a relationship or even Love. He started to become distant and it really hurt me. He said he could not give me material things and thought that mattered to me, but it didn’t. His respect, his care, his loyalty and his time were all that mattered. Time that is not measured by a clock, but by moments. Actually him doing well in his life would have been all I ever wanted.
He asked of all People Jennifer Anistons psychic for advise about us.. LOL . And we all know how great Jennifer’s love life is. So yeah I would listen to that psychic . LOL. I got really upset actually and said why don’t you take your doubts directly to me and I will heal them . I would have healed them with my touch to his heart, my eyes looking into his, my kiss down his face and my embrace so tight he would never have a doubt. And now here comes the biggest emotional event since I have been here. I got into my serious car accident. It was awful. I was hurt and scared. I have no idea where this guy was that I gave my heart to. All I know is that he wasn’t there. I was devastated because he said he was coming and never showed.. I don’t understand even as a friend how another person can do that especially claiming to love you . He was the only guy I was with and I considered him my closest friend here in CA. I cried and cried my eyes out for two weeks straight. I just couldn’t understand how he could do that to me. He showed me someone I never thought he was. He once left me a message that he doesn’t think I heard. His message said ” why aren’t you answering? “What if I needed you and you weren’t picking up”. He said “practice what you preach”, because I always told him I am a good person and would always help him. But because I had not answered his call he was upset saying that. But if he ever needed me I would drop everything. I have done a lot for him. He left me waiting on him the night of my accident and I could not understand why especially since he dropped by my house the night before my accident leaving me dinner on my door messaging me saying he wants to remove any pain in my heart, but I was not home. I always wanted us to be able to be friends, but I do not think what he did is acceptable. You want to know what …his hurting me so deeply will not change me. I will always remain true to who I am. I am better than that and I will never hurt anyone. Most people tell me don’t be so nice, but I refuse to let peoples hurtful ways change me. I know my heart is so big, its my strength and I am proud to love . I did love recently and I did not want to give up on my him , but I had to let him go. Sometimes when you love someone enough, you want them happy, that means you let go. I have many, many tears coming down my face as I type now, but I know it is a sign of a fucking amazing HEART! I truly was devastated as he was the one and only guy I was with. He felt right at a time in my life, but you can not force someone to believe in your heart. That is a feeling that truly will be there if it is real. A heartbeat is is not heard, but felt and shared. I know I made a difference for him in his life. I tried showing him how much I cared. I know he will always remember I taught him to love, honor and respect himself as well as others. Even though he completely abandoned our friend ship. I still wish him the best. My accident was a difficult time for me. To make it worse just in these last few weeks i have had so many guys disappoint me . They were taking advantage of my situation and using my vulnerable state to try and make a pass on me. One guy I thought was my friend tried to solicit me money for sex. He said he will buy me a car if I give him female attention. I was completely disgusted. I was pretty upset with him and let him know it. I told him, as well as all these other guys about the one guy who had my heart. For him to disregard my feelings and treat me like that was insulting. Do I look like a street hooker? lol . All my guy friends who really know me say I am reserved. This means I do not sleep around EVER!! No one can say other wise. Which I am proud of . Just because I am hurt doesn’t mean I will sleep around. Its gross and I do not believe in it. Come on people lets bring Love back in the world more and respect yourselves. After my accident, I got involved with some television. I had a blast doing some work on a HBO series called the Come Back. I met some wonderful people and we got to dress up like Emmy stars. YEAH!!
I really loved the experience and will be getting into more of that as well.
My focus will be to do more fitness related modeling, commercials and videos. I want to write books. I want to take my writings and work with some screenwriters. My ultimate dreams are to help more people and animals so Steady I will stay focused. I recently bought another car on my own . No scummy guys money. lol. I am a very proud hard working independent woman and will not tolerate a guy making me feel used or like a sex object. I am a great woman, I deserve to have good people in my life. As for me I have so much to do still. I have so many goals ahead I am going to achieve. I am just letting you guys know my journey has not been easy, but I am going to do everything I can to WIN my dreams.
A meaningful life is not about being rich, being popular, or being perfect. It is about being REAL, sharing ourselves, and touching the lives of others. It is then that life has meaning and becomes fulfilled. I want to spread more love, give it and make everyone smile around me.. I know a lot of you know me already for a long time, know who I am and really believe in me. And I want to say thank you. I will still stay as loving as I am. No one will destroy my spirit.. After all we only have one life . We must find in ourselves what it is that makes us feel alive and fight for it, bring it to the world and find your great reward. Keep going with a smile know matter how broken you may feel , forgive, have a heart that never hardens, and a touch that never hurts.